The 12-hour Hallmark-athon They sat, they saw, and they survived a sugary session of holiday TV merriment that viewers can't get enough of every December By: Erin Lebar and Jen Zoratti Posted: 7:00 PM CST Friday, Dec. 14, 2018 Last Modified: 3:47 PM CST Monday, Dec. 17, 2018

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This article was published 14/12/2018 (2240 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

Love them, hate them, or secretly adore them, there’s one thing we can all agree on about Hallmark Christmas movies: you can’t escape them.

The 2018 season was a particularly busy one with an unprecedented number of original premières: a two-month marathon featuring, at last count, 38 new movies, spread between the Hallmark Channel and Hallmark Movies & Mysteries. That’s an impressive number, considering every film features pretty much the same plot — woman (usually played by former child star) returns to her small hometown to discover the meaning of Christmas and/or fall in love with The One — and almost all of them have the word ‘Christmas’ in the title.

Many of these films are shot here in Manitoba, and in 2018 those Hallmark films played a major role in the province surpassing the $210-million mark in film production during the fiscal year, which ends on March 31, 2019. The Cartel, a Los Angeles production company that makes many of the Hallmark movies, opened a Canadian division in 2018 and put its head office in Winnipeg. It expects to film eight to 10 film projects in Manitoba in 2019.

So, clearly there’s a huge demand for these unapologetically cheesy holiday romcoms. In Canada, a new partnership between Corus Entertainment and the Hallmark Channel brought Hallmark’s Countdown to Christmas to W Network, making it the No. 1 most watched specialty network in Canada on weekends, beating sports channels. Netflix has also gotten in on the original holiday movie phenomenon, with a suite of films that includes last year’s A Christmas Prince.

It’s not hard to see the attraction of this saccharine holiday fare. These movies are comforting in their predictability, a bit of frothy escapism during what can be a dark and trying time of year. In Hallmark’s gilded snow globe, the trees are always perfectly decorated, the towns are always charming, the people are always attractive, and things always work out for them.

However, in order to truly understand the appeal, we decided to embark on a bit of journalistic mission: we binge-watched Christmas movies from Hallmark (and Netflix) for 12 hours straight, from 8 a.m. to 8 p.m. We did not take breaks. We barely movied. We emerged glassy-eyed and hyperglycemic. But we learned the meaning of Christmas. Spoiler: it’s family.

Here’s a rundown of our day.

8 a.m.: Enchanted Christmas (2017)

Interior designer Laura is sent to her hometown of Sante Fe, N.M., to remodel a landmark hotel in time for a Christmas Eve benefit dance performance. As Laura dives into the renovations, she discovered that a former love is the star of the benefit.

https://youtu.be/ucgNOHzJRVE

Erin says: From the moment the square-headed lead male (Carlos PenaVega) ham-fistedly mentioned dancing in his opening monologue (lol), I could tell where this movie was going — dance will save Christmas!

I’m still not entirely sure what the profession of the lead woman, Laura (Alexa PenaVega), was — designer? Developer’s assistant? Hotel manager? Dancer? — which was the only thing about this film that hasn’t been handed to the audience on a silver platter of obviousness. I did not hate it though. It was kind of fun and the script wasn’t awful. Strong start to our marathon.

Note: We later found out the two leads, Alexa and Carlos PenaVega, are married in real life. (Aw.)

Jen says: I don’t hate this either, but I’ll admit, I’m struggling to follow it. It seems the most Hallmark trope-y in terms of plot — vaguely professional woman must return to her hometown to save Christmas! — but it’s… a lot. We have a love triangle! We have a former flame! We have a single mom! We have a benefit dance!

I don’t really get why she has to renovate an entire ballroom; it seems like there’s always some sort of impossible deadline to meet, and the deadline is Christmas.

Also, is the Nutcracker score in the public domain? Because it’s certainly appearing with frequency. Some props for diversity here, too: it’s not an entirely white cast, and usually these movies are as white as the driven snow.

Rating: 3 former child stars out of 5

 

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9:45 a.m.: Christmas Everlasting (2018 première)

Christmas is fast approaching and years of long workdays are about to pay off for Lucy. However, when her older sister unexpectedly passes away, Lucy dreads returning to Nilson’s Bay to handle her sister’s estate.

Erin says: A first I thought it was a Home Sense commercial, but it was the movie. I appreciate that at least some effort was made to address real emotion (grief) and I extra-appreciated the cameo from legend Patti LaBelle, although she wears an intense brooch and seems to be serving raw ham to her guests.

I will say that one scene in this movie did actually make me laugh unironically, so that was a nice change, and the chemistry between the leads (Tatyana Ali and Dondre Whitfield) was pretty decent.

The only downside was the ridiculous number of plot lines — her sister’s death, Christmas season, potentially selling a house, saving a business, making a quilt, getting a cat to like her, falling in love. So much on the go!

Jen says: This has some potential, actually. It’s actually delving (albeit not deeply) into grief, which feels significant since the people inhabiting the Hallmark universe don’t tend to have real problems and this holiday can be really hard for many people. It’s still a variation on a theme: another workaholic returns to her hometown to learn the meaning on the season.

But I appreciate that this film is trying something new. Tatyana Ali (probably best known as Ashley Banks on The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air) is honestly killing it as Lucy, who is dealing with the death of her sister/her guilt over not spending enough time with her.

Although, she appears to be struggling to keep her eyes open due to her 20-pound fake eyelashes. I sincerely thought Lucy’s cat was going to be her sister reincarnated and, while there is a pretty good twist, that’s definitely not it.

Rating: 4 Patti LaBelles out of 5

 

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11:15: a.m.: Christmas at Pemberley Manor (2018 première)

A rich man falls back in love with Christmas and a party planner.

https://youtu.be/GFvi9zviwr4

Erin says: The log line makes me skeptical this has anything to do with Pride and Prejudice, but let’s go for it anyway.

Ninety minutes later…

Erin says: This is awful. I feel like I’ve been watching it for my entire life. Watching the five-hour A&E Pride and Prejudice series feels like it would probably take less time than this and be infinitely more enjoyable.

There are thin, very thin, strands connecting this movie to Jane Austen’s novel (the Caroline Bingley character is still a jerk, FYI), but other than names and subtle character traits only superfans of the novel/films would recognize, having the link to Pride and Prejudice in the title is less than pointless and misleading.

Not to mention this is now the third movie that has ended with a freeze-frame kiss. Blarg.

Jen says: Basically, we watch Elizabeth Bennett (Jessica Lowndes, aka Adrianna from 90210), a party planner, futz around with decorations for two hours while things happen around her.

I agree that the link to Pride and Prejudice is tenuous. It would seem Lowndes is being positioned as the heir apparent to Candace Cameron-Bure’s Hallmark throne (she wishes).

Michael Rady makes for a hunky William Darcy, though. And no matter the adaptation, William Darcy best be hunky.

Rating: 1 dowry out of 5

 

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12:55 p.m.: Journey Back to Christmas (2016)

A nurse from the Second World War is transported in time to 2016 and meets a man who helps her discover the bonds of family and that the true meaning of Christmas is timeless.

Jen says: We’re in Hour 5 and this is the first Candace Cameron-Bure sighting! This movie is wild. She’s a Second World War nurse named Hanna who is transported to 2016, and we know it’s 2016 because there are many jokes about her not understanding what gluten is.

Oliver Hudson is the dreamboat cop assigned to her “case.” His family is weirdly suspicious of this interloper in 1940s clothes, so he takes it upon himself to prove she actually did, in fact, time travel.

Despite the premise being absolutely bananas, the pace is oddly slow. The scene in which Hudson’s niece teaches Hanna about the Internet is oddly touching, however. And Cameron-Bure is delightful as ever.

Erin says: I have spent much of the past five hours Googling actors that look familiar but I can’t place them, and then saying, ‘Oh yeah!’ when I figure it out. This one, though, I know that’s pure Bure.

This movie is fun because it was shot in Winnipeg, as many, many Hallmark movies are, and there are so many recognizable spots it’s worth watching just for that.

Otherwise, I’m finding the pacing to be as glacial as the acting. ZING! Bure spends much of her time on screen shouting idioms into the wind.

I do approve of the amount of dogs in this film, but I do not approve of the insinuation that they are the catalyst to her time travel. Also, there is a Christmas comet that comes once every 70 years, which is a confusingly important addition to the story.

Rating: 3.5 Christmas comets out of 5

 

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2:25 p.m.: A December Bride (2016)

Layla accompanies Seth to her cousin’s wedding and everyone is surprised when she announces they’re engaged. They are forced to keep up the pretense, and as they spend more time together, they find themselves feeling something very real.

Erin says: I rarely admit defeat, but we have to fast-forward through most of this. It is just too painful to watch. Turns out, if you watch the first 40 minutes and the last 10, you’ll still know exactly what is going on.

Full points for saying the title of the film at least 20 times — “I’ve always wanted to be a December bride,” “You can still be a December bride,” “I’m not sure I’ll be able to be a December bride,” “You’re a December bride after all!” — but man, can I have those 50 minutes of my life back, please? This isn’t even in the, “So bad it’s good,” category; it is just bad.

My favourite part, though, was the inference that if our female lead, Layla, doesn’t get married this December (as in literal days after their sham engagement), there will never be a way for her to be a December bride ever again. Hey Layla, you do know December happens every year, right?

Jen says: Jessica Lowndes again! Yeah, this one was rough. And it really shouldn’t have been, because it had the highest stakes, what with the lying about being engaged and all. I find it very problematic that marriage seems to be the end goal for every Hallmark woman.

The Christmas message in this movie also eludes me. Lie and everything will work out? That doesn’t seem very Christmas-sy to me. She’s also an interior decorator because of course she is, and there’s a who-cares plot about having to stage a house — BEFORE CHRISTMAS! — to impress a potential employer. Zzzzz.

Rating: Zero poorly staged houses out of 5

 

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3:15 p.m.: Fir Crazy (2013)

A reluctant Christmas-tree seller finds renewed holiday spirit and new romance with a repeat customer, but a mean-spirited executive threatens to shut down her family’s business.

Jen says: After she’s fired from her corporate job at an athletic shoe company ostensibly because she wears heels to work, Elise (Get it? Like Für Elise?) is forced to take over her parents’ Christmas tree farm.

The thing about Elise is that she hates the holidays which, frankly, I’m starting to as well. You can tell she hates Christmas because she orders black coffee from the festive barista.

Her love interest, Darren, is played by a pre-50 Shades of Grey Eric Johnson, and it’s really hard not to see him as a creep. Here is another leading couple with zero chemistry. What’s with that?

Erin says: Zero chemistry, indeed! I’m not sure exactly why, but I find both Eric Johnson and Sarah Lancaster intolerable, which made this a tough watch.

I don’t have a lot to say about Fir Crazy because, while I know I was fully awake, I feel like my brain has mutinied and left my body. I did enjoy Colin Mochrie as the disgruntled department store owner with a secret heart of gold and the endless holiday-related puns.

Rating: One Yuletide Latte out of five

 

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4:55 p.m.: The Princess Switch (2018 première, Netflix)

When a down-to-earth Chicago baker and a soon-to-be princess discover they look like twins, they hatch a Christmas-time plan to trade places.

Erin says: So we’re in a fictional European town for a baking competition, and there’s princesses, so that’s three big boxes ticked right off the hop. This movie is basically the Parent Trap but rather than tricking their parents, they (being Vanessa Hudgens as both the plebian baker and the soon-to-be princess) are misleading men who love them, which seems kind of cruel when you think about it.

I mean, sure, obviously there’s a happy ending here and everyone pairs off, but it makes even less sense than you think it will. Also Hudgens’s British accent is bordering on offensively bad, which unfortunately bogs down her otherwise charming performance. Sam Palladio, a.k.a. Gunner from Nashville, is disappointing as the prince.

Jen says: For some reason, this film really wants us to know that Stacy, the pleb baker, is from Chicago. Chicago is mentioned in the film’s log line. She’s wearing a Chicago baseball hat. Chicago is in every third line of dialogue.

And yet, the vaguely European country she visits to attend a baking competition (?), is fictional. I wonder where Belgravia is in relation to Aldovia? Anyway, while I agree that Hudgens was charming (especially as Stacy), I found the ending of this movie rather ethically dubious.

No spoilers, but a less obvious ending would have made this a much stronger film.

Rating: 3 family crests out of 5

 

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6:35 p.m.: A Christmas Prince: The Royal Wedding (2018, Netflix)

A year after helping Richard secure the crown, Amber returns to Aldovia to plan their wedding. But her simple tastes clash with royal protocol.

Jen says: I didn’t watch last year’s A Christmas Prince but amazingly I am able to understand the sequel just fine! Aldovia is gripped by an economic crisis; shout out to the protester holding up a sign that just reads, “Why!?”; he perfectly and succinctly sums up my own feelings about this movie.

Amber (Rose McIver), our journalist-turned-queen-to-be, is having some reservations about entering into royal life, and decides put on her gumshoe fedora to get to the bottom of Aldovia’s bleeding budget. (She does this by writing the word ‘fishy’ in a notebook. Reporting!)

Everything works out in the end because of course it does.

Erin says: Wow, what a way to finish up this marathon. I did watch the first A Christmas Prince movie last year and had many questions (so many unresolved issues!) so I personally was thrilled to see a sequel this year. Maybe “I’ll finally get some answers!” I thought. No, no I did not.

I think the thing that bothers me the most was the constant complaining from our bride, Amber — “Oh woe is me, I can’t pick my own dress and the palace censored my inappropriate blog and my fiancé is too busy dealing with an economic crisis to pick out a Christmas tree with me. Life is bad!” Get a grip, Amber!

Also the lack of chemistry, which seems to be a common problem, is startling here. It’s like watching two robots converse about feelings and neither of them can compute love. And even with all their problems and Amber’s obvious hatred of royal protocol, they get married anyway!

The breakout star is Amber’s dad, who I’ve affectionately dubbed Papa New York (he barely goes one sentence without mentioning his hometown); his weird relationship with the palace’s chef got me through this nightmare.

Rating: 1 marriage doomed to fail out of 5

Hallmark Holiday Movie Bingo Card

jen.zoratti@freepress.mb.ca Twitter: @JenZoratti