Think of the payoffs with no teams to cheer in playoffs

Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 12/04/2016 (3781 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

Woe Canada.

Whoa, Canada.

D’Oh Canada.

Or, simply: No Canada.

Take your pick of the catchy phrases being tossed around for the past week or so, they all add up to the same thing — the NHL playoffs will begin on Wednesday without a single Canadian team in action for the first time since 1970.

A hockey industrial complex that normally kicks into overdrive in this country at this time of year — driving everything from beer sales to TV sales to pizza deliveries — will instead grind to a halt as Hockey Nation ponders life without hockey for the next two months.

Yes, there will still be playoff hockey. And yes, that hockey will be compelling. But with 16 American teams competing and 0 Canadian, who’s kidding who — for most hockey fans, the next two months will simply serve as a painful reminder of a hockey season most in this country would just as soon forget.

How bad is it? Sportsnet, which paid $5.2 billion for the rights to broadcast NHL hockey in this country,  fired their senior hockey producer last week. The Globe and Mail reported the firing followed layoffs for several other Sportsnet staffers in the hockey department.

You know you’re breaking new ground when the national hockey broadcaster is cleaning house a week before the playoffs start.

True story: the last time there were no Canadian teams in the NHL playoffs was 1970, the same year a Prime Minister named Trudeau declared the War Measures Act.

Just sayin’.

So, short of calling in the military again, what’s a bunch of cranky Canadians to do with no Canadian teams to watch in the playoffs for the next two months?

Here’s some helpful suggestions courtesy of the Free Press sports department:

— Adopt a highway. The delightful folks at Manitoba highways will give you four high-visibility vests, garbage bags, a safety manual and some traffic warning signs if you agree to pick up litter along a designated section of highway. The province recommends you choose no more than an eight-kilometre segment, but it’s playoff time and half-measures won’t do — I suggest Deacon’s Corner to Falcon Lake. Go big or go home.

— Puppies!!! The Winnipeg Humane Society has nine pages of dogs and cats who need a home up on its website right now and, let’s face it, you need a walk after a winter on the couch. There’s a shepherd mix named Harley up for adoption this week who: a) is a very good boy; and b) will make you forget all about Nikolaj Ehlers.

— Travel. Tip — the further south you go, the less likely you are to hear about hockey. They say Antarctica is nice right now. Just beware the collapsing ice sheet.

— Get reacquainted with your family. That person across the breakfast table from you is, most likely, your husband or wife, and those little people underfoot are probably your kids. Introduce yourself. Ask them about their winter. Beg their forgiveness.

— Go door to door collecting empties. Cash them in and send the money to Mark Chipman. Tell him to use it to re-sign Mark Scheifele.

— Get in shape. You know how your partner tells you that you look fine? They’re lying. Seriously, it’s not a pretty picture right now. Yoga — lots and lots of yoga.

— Have a garage sale. Roll your eyes when your fellow Winnipeggers try to talk you down from 25 cents. Under no circumstances accept their offer of a dime, but everyone can walk away feeling good about 20 cents.

— Review all the online subscriptions that you’ve signed up for over the years and keep meaning to cancel, but never do. Cancel them all, except for the Free Press and Netflix.

— Do your income tax, unless you’re a millionaire with all your money tucked away in an offshore account in Panama, in which case you need to call your lawyer. Either way, get on it — taxes are due on April 30.

— Have you seen the state of your yard? Your neighbours are talking about you. You’re better than this.

— Go to a bar. Drink and eat. Tip generously. They need you, now more than ever.

 

email: paul.wiecek@freepress.mb.ca

Twitter: @PaulWiecek